The Battle with Stillness

Hard work comes easy to me. I don’t mind manual labor. I like a good challenge. It’s natural for me to see a mess, grab some duct tape, and make something functional out of it. As a working parent, this has always been what society likes to call a "strength". The fact that I don’t miss a beat no matter what comes my way, I just keep going. This was my rise up the corporate ladder. The identity I built over 20 years in HR leadership, transforming chaos into results and running on the high of being the one who could do it all. There is a shadow side to the hustle. 

A few years ago, I took on a project in a back field of our property. It used to be corn leased out to neighbor farmers, and I decided to create a flower garden with minimal equipment. Hands on, hard work. Just me, my muscles, and a deep need to numb the thoughts in my head. At the time, I told myself I was taking another step toward making my house a home. I was moving my body...which we’re told over and over again we need to do...sweating out the stress, getting fresh air, and hitting those natural dopamine markers. Check. Check. Check.

During this time, I was working two jobs and parenting three small children. I told myself I was "resetting," but I wasn't. What I was actually doing was numbing. I was filling every available space with another project, another task, and another reason to keep moving to the next thing.

Sometimes what looks like rest is actually escape, in my case another outdoor project. Numbing doesn't recharge energy. It slowly drains it. True control comes from honoring your limits, not avoiding them. I had reached the familiar hell of constant over-functioning. A place that felt safer than the unfamiliar heaven of actually standing still.

Five years into my burnout recovery, I’ve learned that these behavior patterns die hard. The over-functioning, the "busy body" that just can't stop, is a neural pipeline my brain knows well. Familiar feels safe to the brain, even when it’s dysfunctional.

This is the messy middle. It’s that space where you’ve found the path you want to go, but the trail is new. The tools you grab for support are different now. You aren't just managing tasks anymore...you are managing energy.

If you find yourself in the churn of the busy, here is how I’ve started to shift the voice of that pull:

• Audit Your "Rest": Ask yourself "Does this action restore me or drain me?" If you are scrolling, over-scheduling, or binge-watching to avoid a hard conversation or an overwhelming task, you aren't resting...you’re numbing.
• Listen to the Whispers: Don't normalize the fatigue or the body aches. They are messages from your organ systems asking for relief.
• Interrupt the Loop: When you feel the urge to "do more" just to feel productive, pause. Change your physical state. Stand up, breathe, or stretch to break the autopilot response.
• Honor Your Energy Rhythms: I now create versions of my day based on my energy levels: High, Meh, and Low. On low-energy days, the goal is consistency through the gentlest possible routine, not forced output.

That flower project was two years ago. Today, we view a beautiful field full of life. Vibrant colors, fluttering bugs, and a resident herd of deer. It is a gorgeous result, but I still wonder when the churn of the "busy" will finally slow down.

The pull is still there, but it has less of a voice than before. That didn't happen overnight. It happened in the space between the battle and the stillness. It happens in the messy middle, where we finally stop running and realize that healing isn’t a one-time destination. It’s a compass and sense of direction. 

Looking for a more resources? Check out: The Messy Middle Hub